23 days

I am back on my blog once again! Being loved too much and hence have nothing negative to post about here, so I disappeared for quite some time. However, coming back here does not mean I am being emotionally down again. Just suddenly miss blogging.

Throughout my 20 years of life, I've never felt this loved before. I always thought that no one will love me like how my parents did or no one can stand my hot temper. And yet, I found some one who really love me for who I am and I am glad that things are still going on well with him. People might say we are clingy but we love it this way, seeing each other everyday still do not seem enough. But we will really need to get used to not being with each other every moment soon.

Another 23 days until I leave for the UK. Things may be tough for me over there, being alone and constantly missing home and love. I know it will be more tough for my love ones, being in the same place but without me there cooking for them, company them for dramas and talking to them. But I know all of us will be tough and can go through this big challenge. I just hope things will be better when I got back home, with me being more mature and our love can grow even deeper and stronger.

It is time to work hard for my future and my love ones. I will not give up no matter how hard this can be, Promise.

What is wrong?

Wow... It had been a while since I blog about anything~ Had been too busy with assignments and yea, those normal life, daily routines.

I felt lost lately but I do not dare to tell anyone. There is no one for me to talk to recently since everyone is so busy with exams.

Perhaps, I have been thinking too much, worrying about unnecessary nonsense. I just feel that we had finally ended the so-called "Honeymoon" period. Things are becoming different lately. Everything seems to be so abnormal, even the everyday sweetness do not seems to be there anymore. Still sweet, but the sweet seems to be so not real, you see it, you know it but you just dun feel it, it just do not seem to come from the bottom of the heart.

Distance, really do bring people apart. Just less than a month away from Semenyih, just these short period of time not being able to see each other everyday really do have some effects on relationship. Frankly, I am afraid... I do not know what will happen when I am not there for him when he is down. I still lack of the confidence and security that I really need.

I do not seem to be able to prove my existence in his life. Everything seems to be so not real. Messages used to be an essential part of our relationship, and now, it only seems to be important when there is something urgent that we need to contact each other. Normally a sweet message will have a sweet reply, but now, it had became something so normal, so cold that you cannot believe that it is actually from him.

People do say we are sweet, we are. But the level is different now, the feel is different now. It is just 1 hour away from each other. What will happen when we are 12 hours away and having a 8 hours difference from each other? I cannot imagine. Just hope that we can make it through these 2 to 3 years, manage to sort out this problem in the remaining 3 months time because I really do love him, more than anyone else.

Please do not give up on me please baby. I really hope I can always be in your heart, be the first to know how you feel, be the first to put a smile on your face. I may be stubborn and self-centred, I may have a bad temper, but I really want you. *hugs*

Happy Chinese New Year

Chinese New Year, my favourite festive season of the year! New clothes, new bed sheet, new earrings, new watch (Yes! Got my love!), new furniture and new Semester (I hate this tho)!

Had been taking out my video cam out this CNY... I will not be around for CNY next 2 years. Seriously need something to store my memories. And a disaster for the year. Camera malfunction on the reunion night. WTF! Need to send it for repair. >< Luckily I still have my dear N97, which sometimes will turn me down. But its behaving these few days~ XOXO.

Spent reunion night and first day of CNY with dad's family. Had steamboat as usual, our family tradition. =p Then, another tradition: CLUBBING with COUSINS! Went to @live and it was an awesome night, ignoring some stupid people pushing through the crowds and even using their elbow to defend themselves, hurting others and the cigarette smoke which is always too much for me and I hated it soooo much! If its not of the music and dancing and liquor, I will never go club! =p Anyway, @live is worth going and the live band is amazing. Pretty + Handsome + nice voice+ great dance!

2nd day, had lunch with relatives and played cards with parents, then off to Malacca A'Famosa! I actually got dad to travel all the way down there at 5.30 pm, reaching at 7 and left at 11 plus! Crazy but worth it! Met up with most of my mum's side cousins, had BBQ, "Ngau" and FIREWORKS! Uncle actually lighted the fireworks earlier than his plan for me! *touched*

Anyway, had great memories these 2 days but I cried a few times. Will not be able to celebrate CNY in Msia for 2 years at least. I hate this feeling~ ><

Random #4 你世界里的不孤单是我的寂寞

Maybe you never realize...

Your unlonely made me feel pathetic.

Sarcastically, you was always the one who make me feel unlonely.

Why am I feeling that I am all alone recently?

I hate this. I hate it when I only have a lifeless report to be with me every hour, minute and even second.

I hope I will feel better on the last day of this (lunar calendar) year.

I will. Even without seeing you at all. And facing my report alone. I swear I will.

One and Only

Honestly, I do not know what is wrong with me.

I've been reacting totally differently from how I actually felt. Or is it that I am reacting in a way that I really felt and the feelings I thought I had was just something I forced myself to accept?

Its been months and I thought I can get used to it but every time, I disappoint myself.

I guess what I really need is more moments like this, if I want to fight the distance and stay strong in loneliness. I need to shield my mind from all the negative imaginations.

I was able to cope with loneliness, stay in silence, bury myself in my own love, but not now anymore.

Yes, I do not like to be alone now, and I hate to be left alone but yet, I need to stay strong because in the end, I am still with myself only. In the end, I am still alone handling this miserable life.

No, I am wrong actually, I still have my lovely parents who sometimes will stress my life out but still, they are my best present in life~ They are all I have at this moment, this very stressful moment. Thank you my one and only.

Memories~

Finally, after spending 4-5 months emo-ing, she is finally here. Seriously, I need to control my stress and diet better. (Well, another new year resolution that is a mission impossible?) Maybe it will be possible if EXAM does not exist. ^^

Well, done with my Y2S3 exam, 1st and last paper were okay, the 2nd and 3rd... OMG. 2nd still okay, 3rd paper: MICROBIOLOGY. My long time enemy. Just hoping for the best~ 40 marks shouldn't be a problem, I HOPE.

Went Mont Kiara for me and baby's early monthsary dinner in Porto Romano, thanks to Peng for recommending~ Really a nice place with nice food and atmosphere.

Upstairs of the restaurant, downstairs is more like a bar~ ^^ I love the decorations there, especially the fake fireplace.

Baby's food~ Carbonara with beef bacon (A dish that he will never miss)

My main course~ Salmon Cannelloni

Then last week, dad brought back a few super nice photo frames, I don't know where he got them from. Anyway, mum was busy looking for some old photos and realised... We do not have photos printed out these few years, all are in the laptop. So, mum took my childhood photos instead. It was really sweet looking back at the baby me, and I kept asking myself, is that really me? There is this photo, me and my ah mah (grandma)... Seriously, I miss her so much. Memories with her are memories that I will never want to forget, but I guess I cannot control my brain to store most of them. Just hope these photos will recall my memories.

Me and my grandmother when I was one month old~

And I found this picture too~ When I was 5 I think, at my aunt's wedding with cousin sis~ This girl looks so pretty and does not look like me! How I wish I had that look now. =p

And, I was a bit bored and tired of doing my report just now so went to my friendster page, yeah, that long-gone friendster. LOL! Surprisingly, I still remember my password and shocked to see some friends are still active. Went on to find my precious' page, some of his old photos and he really does not look the same now. Seriously, so different. Then went on to some blogs, and found my precious again. Some photos stabbed my heart but I know deep down, those are over. He's mine now.

Random #3

Just one sentence, I can be drag from sky to hell. It's that powerful. Why must I let my emotions be controlled? Sometimes I wonder if, putting down the strong side is a correct option.

I was just hoping you to tell me what is wrong. You wouldn't know how much I cannot concentrate, how hard I was trying to tell myself its okay, how difficult it had been for me to distract myself.

Finally, the wish comes true and why am I not happy? Maybe its not exactly the wish I made.

Maybe, I should not have expectations and believe in myself in the very start.

And O.M.G... The report is stressing me out! Tables--->Graphs. All the word limits, all the description, summary, conclusion... Someone please save me from all these crap before CNY starts!

Seriously, why do we Pharmacy student need to suffer like this when other people have the time to play around during HOLIDAYS. Yes, a freaking MICROBIOLOGY REPORT during HOLIDAYS!

I wish I could be a baby again, wrapped in my grandmother and parents' arm. There would be so little thing to worry about, so little things to stress you out when you do not know what is stress and worry. You wouldn't love, except your toys which will never ever break your heart. That is why, I still love soft toys. They would not hug you back when you hug them, but at least, they mend your broken heart and will never ever leave you. They are all you have and always there for you when you need someone. Especially on such a night. XOXO, my babies~

The thing that I hate the most

I am totally stressed out. But why do I have time to blog here? Don't ask why, I do not know.

Perhaps, just need to relax my brain.

Too many things to stuff into this small tiny brain, along with all the emo songs, without anyone there for me to lie on and cry.

Need to be strong I guess? But please, can I not be tough?

Well, in the end, I will still need to face all these stresses myself. No one will be there for me forever and always.

I. A.M. S.T.R.E.S.S.E.D

Who to blame?

The person who started the examination system?

The lecturers for delivering so many lectures?

The authors of books for giving so many details?

N.O

I should blame myself for being perfectionist and being so bad in releasing my stress.

I wish...

I was not that perfectionist.

Random #2

The smell of new paint in my house. Weee~ Repainting the house to welcome the new year~! Though only the living hall, my study room and another small living hall upstairs. Kinda like the new colour that I had chosen, thought it was supposed to be coastal beige as in those beach's sand colour but turn out to be a little purplish. Anyway, still special~ ^^

Exam is really stressing me out anyway... Study this lecture today, forget about it the next day. Had been repeating this cycle for many lectures and total input to my brain is only 50% of what I studied. Damn cool. Microbio and Spectroscopy is still waiting for me to touch them. Microbiology is a killer! If I suddenly die one day, Microbiology murders me. *touching the wood*

I am having this problem. I CANNOT FOCUS AT ALL! OMG, its like I finally can concentrate, then... Where am I again? FML. Anyway, hopefully I can make it through this exam, not stressing too much. Daddy says: I still want my daughter. *touched*

Oh well, another thing to stress before this. House in UK. Thanks to my baby, I finally asked someone to look for a house for me! And finally msged some1 to ask is they wanna share. =p I do not know why but I just do not have the courage to send out those messages and mails. Kay, I know why, but please don't ask me why because you all should know if you read my post last year. All those dramas and anti-social thingy. Oops.

Really, who and how will I be if I did not meet you 9 months ago? What if I did not attend the event and be a nerd at home? What if what if what if... Okay, no more what if! I met you and I found you. That is what I know. Not only that, I also know that I Love You. It may not be an anniversary, not a monthsary (whatever you guys like to call it), but its an important date since its a day you walk into my life and it had been 9 months. *phewww, time flies*

P/S: I miss 89 housemates, college friends and CHS friends. Esp after meeting up with Shien, talking to Khee, FB with Joyce, planning gathering with Jye, talking about old days with Peng n Vern, sharing links on FB with housemates. OMG. I miss them! Exam please over soon, I want G.A.T.H.E.R.I.N.G

New Year Resolution

Seriously, am I fated to go through all this shit? Why they cannot be aware of the time and most importantly, the bloody timing?

Why should I care when you don't even care? I wanted to believe so much, but please don't let me down over and over again. I am trying my best to do something about it and why must you ruin the effort? Or is my effort too negligible? If so, I am sorry. That is the only thing I can say. Sorry.

Maybe its just once, just one time the stone hits the glass, but it is enough to shatter the glass which was just mended. Why mend the glass when you want to break it again?

Right, I really should not bother anymore. FML. Oh well, new year resolution: Accept the fact that you must accept. Things ain't perfect. Human ain't perfect. Life ain't perfect. No point chasing for perfection even if you can achieve near perfection.

OK, chill, temper thrown. Let's study happily~! I love you, books! I love you, blog!

Random #1

偶然读到的一篇文章。很准~

其实被很多人所误解，真正的好双子男他的爱是让你幸福到开花的，是那种撼动内心的感动。大多数的双子男都很爱说话，很搞笑（也有些是自以为幽默）开朗，聪 明，快热，易嫉妒，控制欲强，霸道，孩子气。如果能有一个双子男人时而对你撒娇时而自认为很成熟地教育你，如果他走到哪里都会想向你汇报，如果你看到他为 你而哭（他根本不会在人前流泪），玩什么都爱带上你，在朋友面前不吝展现与你的肉麻恩爱，那么请你相信他是爱你的。



我爱的就是这样的你。也很庆幸我遇到的是你。

因为好像只有你才能接受这样的我。



外表温和，偶尔孩子气，内心有狂野的一面，喜欢旅游但也恋家，不算太宅。容易陷入自己的想象世界不能自拔。高度的细腻敏感（对于自己在意的东西），高度的冷漠绝情（对于不入眼的东西），情感强烈而绵长，习惯虐人虐己。对待回忆郑重而感性，无比怀旧。巨蟹女的小女人特质也很强烈，敏感嬗变，有人说巨蟹女工于心计，其实我认为她们的目标愿望都很柔情，就是追寻的过程比较残酷无情。大都显得很柔弱， 激发男人的保护欲，但内心可能清醒坚强。她们的心思是感性的，表达方式可能较理性。大都爱幻想，并且易陷入，同时重现实，因为不安感太过强烈。直觉灵敏准 确，忧患意识较强。排它意识强烈，进不到她的内心就可能被长期排斥，爱憎也较分明。进入她内心了那对你的好是百分百的好,让你觉得她仍然像一个热烈天真的 小女孩，她的感情具有深而广的渗透力和感染力。

Goodbye 2010!

First post of 2011... Review of 2010.

A lot of things actually happened in 2010, its not a year with no downfalls and no peaks.

I had been through a lot of struggling in January and February. Mentally breakdown in March when I thought its the end of the world. Crying through the night, telling myself not to get involved in relationship anymore. Misunderstandings break me down once again, running away to bff's house, knowing I have a bunch of friends supporting me behind me make me stronger.

Getting over it, knowing someone whom I once thought might melt the ice-cold heart again. Perhaps, a good friend and a good bf is different. Things gone cold and there is another intruder to my life. The owl flying into my life walks me through all these; Mr. Great promising me to put the smile on my face everyday. Taking up the VP pose of PharmNotts is another best choice I had made in 2010. Yea, tiring, pressured, stressful, but I enjoy it, seriously.

When someone important come into your life, maybe you need to sacrifice something, having a bunch of close friends leaving me, lost and not knowing who to get along with towards the end of semester. This hits me down once again but this made me realize how much I should cherish my friends who are always with me no matter what I have done, no matter how long I did not meet them.

Then, a hero officially come into my life, holding my hands to pull me up from the falls, healing my pain and giving me faith. It is hard to believe that all these happened in just 2 months, but yes, there is really something that will strike your heart and melt the ice covering your heart with just a touch. It might not be love at first sight but its a kind of fate that you cannot run away from.

June passes fast with a trip to Taiwan, outings with friends and dates with my love. July-- A memorable month of 2010. The first time celebrating birthday with bi, having him plan out everything, giving me Cupido and Cupipi, planning a surprise with my mum and sis and joining me to celebrate birthday with my whole family. Not much present received, but having everyone I love with me is the best present I ever received. Also, knew a lot of new friends through baby, learning the fact that there is really friends who are as close as brothers, sometimes closer. Maybe I will be jealous, but still, happy to see it.

August, spending the whole month working in Cerebos, dealing with microorganisms and coming back with chicken and chicken essence smell. Though boring and lifeless, still enjoyable when you get to do something you like. First time going on trip, even though its just a one day trip with friend, especially boyfriend to Malacca. One of the most memorable experience in the year.

Going on a vacation with my beloved darling Nichelle to Penang. Having her joining my family is the best damn thing in September. Eat, travel and camwhoring is best with her around. Start of a new semester, I am now officially year 2 student. Stressful life when you need to take care of studies, PharmNotts and love. Yea, there is a time when I really cannot get use to it, especially getting to see baby everyday and having less time to study. But really, thankfully, my baby is him, someone who is considerate and patient with all the unreasonable temper that I threw to him, all the tiny problems that I exaggerated and made them look so much worse than it should be.

There is one thing that I must not forget and leave out. My HOUSEMATES! I am totally in love with everyone in 89, TTS4. They are a bunch of awesome friends whom really brightened up my Y2S1 life. I never once wanted to stay back over the weekends because I really enjoy the life with them around, their laughter especially. I really cant stand to remember that I only have 3 more months to spend in the house with them. Gonna miss them so much.

I guess this year is the year that I cooked the most in my 19 years life because there is a pig who is willing to eat the food I cooked. I wonder if he ever knows that preparing any meal for him is a very blissful thing to do, no matter how stressed up I was with my studies. Also, no one appreciated it that much.

Really, I just realized, most of the memories that make my 2010 so happy involved him. Having him joining my relatives during mooncake fest is one of the best thing ever. Because this is the first time I introduce my boyfriend to my relatives, something that I never expect and never thought that my boy is willing and happy to do. Having my parents accepting my relationship, supporting it is also a blessing that I never expected.

Towards the end of the year, I received one of my best Christmas present and 2 unexpected presents which touched my heart. On the last day of 2010, I received 2 wonderful presents which put a beautiful full stop to this year.

Thank you everyone whom made my year a wonderful one. Though it started with sorrow, it ended perfectly. Thank you parents for everything that you have done. Thank you to my sis whom always listen to my complaints. Thank you baby Shaun Lim to walk into my life and make my 2010 a beautiful year, I might seems biased here, but without you, my 2010 ain't perfect and will not be this memorable. Thank you Shien for every piece of advice, without you, I will not be able to move forward. Thank you all my darlings and brothers esp Nich, Lynn, Jye, Jvn Yi, Louis, Chee Yuen for everything you have done. I cannot be naming everyone here since it will take me days to do so, SO THANK YOU! Thank you for being in my life and please continue to be in my life no matter what year it is, my life is great with your presence. It is not complete without you. *big hugz*